Lala (lalablue) wrote,

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NIcked from grotesque_wench

Which deadly sin do you represent? (Angel Sanctuary Pics)

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I believe this wholeheartedly.

Still haven't made it out of the house. I think I have a phobia. I mean the only time I ever seem to leave is just to go to work. As much as I don't wanna. I have to. Too many bills. I need to win the lottery-probably become a recluse.

I need to work on posture. My back hurts. I need to excerise. I need to get out and enjoy the day. I need. I want. I do. All very different things.

ARGHHH. It's the one set of a mode. Bitter, cruel, angry, and spiteful. I can feel the burning of desperation. WTF? I thought I was through this shit. I thought I had more energy. I thought I could lift the shades. Let the sunshine in. I thought I could forget. I thought I could change. I thought anything was possible. I thought that was the truth. Can I find my way back? Disillusioned creeps back. I am fading. The scars cut too deep. I'm lost.

I'm fighting the urges. Not cigarettes. Something else. I am all alone. I feel all alone. I live inside this computer. Or I live in my head, my fantasies, my memories, my pain. All I do is think. My brain never stops. I am so tired. I barely sleep. I try like hell. If it's not one thing it's another. I can't stop. I know my options. I know what I'm supposed to do. I know what I will do.

It's never ending. It's entropy. It's my life. God damn it!!! I have expectations!!! Why aren't you listening? Huh? I'm supposed to believe in the crap my mother preachs. I'm supposed to be the good girl. The one who is smart. The one who has potential. I say fuck it! No one helped me get to where I am mentally. I made up my own mind. I made myself positive. I did it. I brought myself back from the brink of self destruction. I had hoped it would have lasted a little longer...

I'm trying to think of all the things that have made me smile. I've gone through pictures and found myself getting more pissed. I tried the boards and found myself alone. I am listening to music and find myself high. My blood tingles under my skin. My mind feels like mush. My toe twitches.

If we lived in a world without tears.
How would misery know which back door to walk through?
How would trouble know which mind to live inside of?
How would sorrow find a home?

Made a promise to myself.
Locked it away deep down inside.
Told my heart we'd wait it out.
Swore we'd never compromise.

I gotta move. I can't sit here anymore. I gotta move. I'm not ready to give up. I'm not ready. I got too much shit to do. I need to move. I have to. I'm not a quitter. I am not gonna be held down. Not even my own mind. I am strong. I've gotten through worser shit. I survived. I got myself here. I can find my way again. I have to. I need to. I can. I will. I choose. To be.

nobody said it was easy.
no one ever said it be so hard
Let's go back to the start...


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