Everlasting gobstopper

This has been a lousy week. I am exhausted. I don’t feel like anyone at my first job likes me. I don’t feel included in anything. No one talks to me unless they have to. When they do, it just seems like they would rather be somewhere else. One woman I work with asked me yesterday why I hardly say anything. I told her I am a different person outside of this place. She asked why, I told her because no one seems to care either way what I’m like here because no one really pays me much attention. Want to know how much attention. We ordered out for lunch today. Food arrives. Mines not there. Apparently they forgot to order it.

Then I find out from Sharlene that her counterpart at my second job asked not to train me. Why? Because she found me intimidating. Apparently me paying attention and catching when there’s a mistake is intimidating. At first I laughed about this, but the more I think about it, the more my feelings are hurt. I admit, I like to be right. But to ask not to be around someone because they like to be right is bit ego crushing.

I feel so … arghhh! I don’t even know anymore. It’s the little things.

I spent my formative years being a wallflower. My ex spent the next ten trying to make me into something other then… It took a long time to realize that I am stronger then anyone gave me credit for. I worked hard to balance being the “good girl” and being kick ass.

And I try to pretend everything’s okay. I try to ignore the niggling feelings but they are there. Inching towards the surface, etched on my skin. I just want to punch someone sometimes. Just to get it out of my system. I’d even settle for a wall at this point.

I am disenchanted with this life of mine.

/rant